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If you have a negative habit of mind, you actually distort toward the negative and you don’t see the positive.People with the positive habit of mind, it’s not that they don’t see the negative—they do, they see it—but they really emphasize the positive in terms of the impact on them. Some of the same things that make you happy can improve your relationships—and vice versa. John and I talked for over an hour, so there’s a lot more to this.
And sometimes you have them over and over and over. John is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute.
When they don’t respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… Here’s John: If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that’s utterly wrong?
Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that’s been replicated in several studies. Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? This simple “story of us” predicts which relationships succeed and which fail.
(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? And even most of that was just logistics—“When will you be there?
Click here.) Okay, that’s what kills a relationship. ”; “Don’t forget to pick up milk.”—not deep personal stuff like the Masters.